I was going to smoke a turkey this Thanksgiving.
But they banned flavored vapes.
What is it called when a tree has spine problems?
ScoliOAKsis.
Do you have any plans tonight? If not do you mind If I Jona you than?
Why did the cow fall down while being milked? Because the rug was pulled out from udder it.
I know an elephant who refused to travel by train because he didn’t want to leave his trunk in the baggage car.
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
Are you my lines? Because I could never forget you.
Round the rough and rugged rock the ragged rascal rudely ran.
"So… Do you like cheese?"
- Duke, She’s The Man (2006)
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
Why did the fish cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
Go with me and you'll be (Mg,Fe)7Si8O22(OH)2.
It was quite dangerous for messengers back in the medieval era.
They often had to wear mail armor.
Just finished my first shift as a lion impersonator.
It was a roaring success.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
You must be glue because I am sticking with you.
You’re photos are so great, would it be weird if I made you my screen Xavier?
What kind of tree fits in your hand?
A palm tree!
Q: What do you call a gust of wind that blows a tall guys onto a basketball court?
A: The NBA draft
What do you call a group of penniless Viking grave diggers?
The poor norsemen of the necropolis.
Broccoli: I look like a tree. Walnut: I look like a brain. Mushroom: I look like an umbrella. Banan Can we change the topic?
Did you hear the joke about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head!
Why do words and punctuation end up in court? To be sentenced.
Why did you fall in love with the Paris art museum? It was just Louvre at first site.
How about the stylish female crocodile, she's every inch a frock-o-dile.
How do you know that it's too cold outside for a picnic?
You chip your tooth on the soup.
How do skeleton’s get their mail delivered?
By the bony express.
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
I have an exciting new job as an explosives engineer blowing up mountains for tunnels and roads.
It's Groundbreaking work.
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
Crash courses for private pilots - The Daily Telegraph
I steal my eggs from my next door neighbor.
I prefer them poached.
Why should you live a pineapple life? Because Life is sweet.
What Christmas carol do candy bars sing? Almond Joy To The World.
What do you call a skull without 86 billion neurons?
A no brainer.
If tomatoes are a fruit
Then ketchup is a smoothie.
I cant use the urinals when there's a person next to me, I get pee-er pressure
What do you call a group of guys waiting to get their hair cut?
A Barbecue.
Why did the pianist turn around on his way to the grocery store?
He forgot his Chopin Liszt.
Do you like sales? Because if you're looking for a good one, clothing is 100% off at my place.
What do you can an ant scientist?
Albert Antstein.
The Queen of the Nile was said to always show a bit of leg...
but Nefertiti.
"I'm nuts about you."
I visited my new friend in his flat.
He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out.
I hate having visitors.
Did you hear the one about the recycling family of triplets? Polly, Ethel and Ian.
Girl, you give me the butterflies.
What’s the difference between a crow and a chicken?
A chicken can crow, but a crow can’t chicken.
If life is like a box of chocolates,
is it rude to ask for candy?
Can you really say with certainty
that you even understand me?
When life hands you lemons
I think you'd better run.
Cause life can throw a curve ball
and hit you just for fun.
I can do without the chocolates
You can keep your lemons too.
Life is what you make of it
not what it makes of you.
(Sarina McConnell)
Are you a Frappuccino? Because I want to be that whipped cream on the top.