"When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?"
- Lucy Parker
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
Groucho Marx
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
"Stupidity has a knack of getting its way."
- Albert Camus
“I’ve always loved yoga because you get to connect to a deep religious truth while stretching your legs.” — Katya Zamolodchikova
“I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention." ~Ron Kittle
“I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.” — Bill Gates
“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
— Charles M. Shulz
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Steven Wright
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
"Act like a horse. Be dumb. Just run."
Jumbo Elliot
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
“The key to my heart looks a whole lot like a plate of pasta.”
― Unknown
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"When traveling with someone, take large doses of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee."
– Helen Hayes
“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”
— Charles Lamb
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
– Charles Schulz
"I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me"- Fred Allen.
“It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without a little emotional scarring.” — Timothy Burke, “Friends”
“Yoga. Because punching people is frowned upon.” — Anonymous
“The worst moment today has happened. That was when the alarm went off and I realized it was Monday.”
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.”
— Arnold H. Glasgow
"Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs."
- Fran Lebowitz
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
E. B. White
“Whenever I travel with my 4 young kids I always forget something. Like how stupid it is to travel with 4 young kids.”
– Jim Gaffigan
"This is by far your worst idea ever…I’ll be there in 15 minutes."
— Unknown
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
— Anonymous
“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”
- Albert Einstein
“Monday, you're so jealous of my relationship with Sunday because I am so happy to see you leave!”
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." —Woody Allen
“My mind says ‘abs’ but my heart says ‘cheese fries’.”
― Unknown
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
“When late morning rolls around and you’re feeling a bit out of sorts, don’t worry; you’re probably just a little eleven o’clockish.”
– Unknown
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers
“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what thay means? You know what your boss was trying to say? It’s like, ‘Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” – Chris Rock
“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
“Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftover in aluminum foil and throw them out.” —Nicole Hollander
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow
Some things have to be believed to be seen. -- Ralph Hodgson
"Even if the farmer intends to loaf, he gets up in time to get an early start."
- E.W. Howe