“I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.”
- Jarod Kintz.
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
- Groucho Marx.
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
“The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.”
- Valeriu Butulescu.
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.” ~ Unknown
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
“Saw a chameleon today so I'm assuming it wasn't a very good one." - Unknown Author
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
“A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.”—Orlando Aloysius Battista
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx