"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"Humor is reason gone mad."
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"Time wounds all heels."
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
"Bury me next to a straight man."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."