Why would you Mary Shelley when you could marry me?
When I go out to dinner,
I do not want to share.
I don’t care what is on your plate;
I don’t want to compare.
I scan the menu up and down
And then make my selection.
When it arrives, it’s meant for me
And not for your inspection.
“You want to taste my fish?” I’m asked.
Some people never learn;
For then the expectation is
To taste mine in return.
And so the answer’s always No!
Yet comments never cease.
“Your fries look really good!” They are,
So let me eat in peace!
Each morsel on my dish is mine
And I intend to finish.
Perhaps my attitude will make
Your thoughts of me diminish.
I’m sorry if that is the case –
Dessert I’ll split just fine;
But when the meal’s delivered –
You eat yours and I’ll eat mine!
(Ilene Bauer)
How do sick kangaroos get better?
They have a hoperation.
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
What is a skeleton’s favorite thing to do with their cell phone?
Take skelfies.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Mikey.
Mikey who?
Mikey doesn’t fit in the keyhole.
Smokers Are Productive, But Death Cuts Efficiency
What do ghosts and monsters drink after scaring people?
Ghoul-Aid.
I stopped my phones to the cloud, and I kept getting mist calls.
What is a deer’s favorite after-school snack?
“Doe-nuts.”
What type of car would a regular horse buy?
A Fjord Focus.
“The mud will wash off but the memories will last a lifetime.”
I started watching soccer because I could see it’s very relevant to my life.
Little to no goals.
What kind of shoes do private investigators wear?
Sneak-ers.
I just broke my wife’s favorite perfume bottle, she’s gonna be fuming!
Just like Evan, this match is also the cure
A synonym for cinnamon is a cinnamon synonym.
“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” — Woody Allen
Thinking about selling my crab so i could make money. Then I realised "am I really this shellfish"?
Are you a lion of the sea? Because I’m sure, I’ll see you in my bed tonight, lion.
What did the mitt say to the baseball?
Hey baby, you're quite a catch.
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
I bought a parrot but he has a foul mouth.
I let him loose so that he could fly South.
But he came home again.
This proves that I can't win.
He says the F word two hundred times a day.
He offends everybody and drives them away.
Nobody will take this bird even though I offer to pay them.
I'm going out of my mind, it looks like I'm stuck with him.
I have the only parrot on Earth that's a sinner.
If he doesn't shut up, he's going to be my dinner.
Aww, what's your pup's name? He has such a sweet face.
It’s so hot polar bears are wearing sunscreen.
Who did Dracula take to the school dance? His ghoul friend.
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
Why do dogs run in circles?
Because it’s hard to run in a square.
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
They say that the cardio system is the work of artery, but it is really just vein.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
The doctor advised I tried a milk bath. I asked if it needs to be pasteurized. No, just above the knees she replied.
What did the father say to his falling son?
Son, you've got potential.
What is a zombie that speaks two languages?
Zombilingual.
What do you call a lie told by a skeleton?
A fibula.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
How do eels travel across the seafloor? By Octo-bus.
What happens to romantic trees on Valentine’s Day? They get all sappy.
How do you know when a baby koala bear is happy? You’ll see them jump for joey!
Who does May like the best?
April Showers, because April Showers brings May flowers!
Love me tender love me true
Show me how you feel
Buy a ring and bend the knee
Then take me for a meal
Give me wine
Act like you’re mine
And woo me with your charm
Then kiss me quickly
Before I’m sickly
And hanging on your arm
(Anonymous)
What do dogs have that no other animal has?
Puppies.
Easter dinner was great today
We made sure it had all the crucifixins'.
What game do Ghost children play? Hide and shriek!
My wife said we needed to have a serious talk about my obsession with furniture.
I said we could table it for now.
What is the first thing that gorillas learn at kindergarten?
Apey Cee's?
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
I heard you are a goalkeeper, can you keep me forever?
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
What did the light bulb say to the electric generator? ‘You spark up my life!”