Somebody was doing a speech and said, "This might be corny," and pulled out a couple of canned corns. Guess what happened next?
Total pundemonium.
"I am having an out-of-money experience." ~ Anonymous
What happened when Dr. Frankenstein swallowed some uranium?
He got atomic ache.
What do you call two octopuses that look alike?
I-tentacle twins!
Why do all the boats in Scandinavia have barcodes on the sides of them?
It makes it easier to... scan da navy in.
What's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat? A Diplodocus with a sore throat!
What is the study of real estate? Homology
What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gater.
Q. What did the mother doe name her new twin babies?
A. Bam B and Bam A.
My love for you is like dividing by zero… It can’t be defined!
What do you get when you spice up date night? Netflix and Chilis.
How does an octopus go to war?
Well-armed!
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
What do you call a painting by a cat of herself? A self paw-trait.
Why was the Egyptian kid confused?
His daddy was his mummy!
What Beatles song charted highest in Italy?
Penne Lane.
Have you seen that film about the onion that turns into a spider?
It's called Shallot's Web
Which dance will a chicken not do?
The foxtrot.
When my girlfriend told me she needed time and distance, my heart almost stopped,
Fortunately, she was just calculating velocity.
Summer should get a speeding ticket
What do you call cheese that is sad? Blue cheese.
I'm snow bored.
What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear
If I had a dollar for every time I was planning to go on a diet, I’d be able to buy a treadmill I’d never use.
What is the perfect name for a sad strawberry? It is called a blueberry.
It's okay password...
...I'm insecure too...
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anybody can roast beef!
“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”
Billy Wilder
Did you hear about the audio drama about peas?
It’s a pod-cast
I ordered chicken fingers tossed in Buffalo sauce the other day
I asked the chef to be gentle while tossing them though. Because they’re tenders.
I saw a homeless dude and gave him a dollar.
Then I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.
What did the policeman say to his tummy?
Freeze. You’re under a vest.
Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
What’s worse than one crocodile coming to dinner?
Two crocodiles coming to dinner.
What do you call someone with Yellow hair on the beach?
A beach blond.
My girlfriend just told me I'm a poor listener.
Which upset me massively because I'm an awesome whistler.
Why are cats scared of trees?
Because of their bark.
I started dating a girl I really like. She's really into bees.
I think she's a keeper
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
How did the shark plead in its murder trial?
Not gill-ty.
How does one raindrop ask another out? Water you doing tonight?
What do you call it when witches are optimistic about the future?
Witchful thinking.
It’s so hot the frozen pizza I bought at the grocery store was ready to eat by the time I got home.
Is that a bat in your pocket, or does my costume excite you?
Let’s take an elfie.
What is a lion’s favourite cheese?
Roarquefort
Why are super loud sounds bad for your ears?
It hertz your eardrums.
What do you call a whirlwind winter romance?
Love at frost sight!
Why was the mosquito sad on christmas?
It was a bah hum bug.
What do pizza delivery guys and porn stars both see too much of?
Stiff tips.