“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry