"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama