“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.
"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
“I love playing a dad. It’s hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.”
- Peter Gallagher
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
- Gracie Allen
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.”
- Robert Brault
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.