“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.”
- Robert Brault
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”
- Emo Phillips.
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
- Gracie Allen
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
“Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.”—Unknown
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”—Ogden Nash
“The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.”
- Nancy Mitford
"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space." - Evan Esar
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
“To a small child, the perfect grandad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo”.—Robert Breault