"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
“There is no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.”
– John Ruskin
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law
“The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money.” – IRS auditor
"Every morning is good; it’s not his fault that someone didn’t sleep well."
– Unknown
“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.”
Abraham Lincoln
“I’m a typical Capricorn. I’m hardworking, loyal, sometimes stubborn, and I don’t believe in astrology.”
— Jonah Peretti
“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
Tina Fey
“Thanksgiving: Bringing out the best in family dysfunction since 1863.” -Unknown
"A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first."
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
“How did my driving test go? You could say I mailed it!”
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
“We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.”
— Unknown
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
"The dumbest people I know are those who Know It All."
– Malcolm Forbes
"You know it’s time for a vacation when you start looking like the person on your driving license…"
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“Unfortunately, I did not become a millionaire over the weekend, so I have to return to work on Monday.”
Step one to running a marathon: You run. There is no step two.
-Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)
"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities." - Dr. Seuss
"Better to keep silent and let people think you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."
- Abraham Lincoln
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
“Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.” —@WilliamAder
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."
- Herman Wouk
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon." - Doug Larson
“You know, maybe this will be a good Thanksgiving. Just us and the kids. You cook and I’ll watch football with my pants open all day.” — Ray Romano, “Everybody Loves Raymond”
“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”
Betty White
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
"It's amazing how much stuff we get done the day before vacation?"
- Zig Ziglar
“The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”
Unknown
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
"Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-brake on."
- Maxwell Maltz
“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown
“Beverly Hills is very exclusive. For instance, their fire department won’t make house calls.”
Mort Sahl
“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
“I am having an out of money experience." ~Author Unknown
"Only on a cruise shiip will you pay hundreds of dollar a day to sleep in a closet."
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!
Billy Connolly
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.
“Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt." ~ Herbert Hoover