Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks? Neither, they both weigh a ton!
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
What dog keeps the best time? A watch dog.
What do you call two fat people having a chat? A heavy discussion
Did you hear about the guy who died when an axe fell on him? The police are calling it an axe-i-dent.
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them
Why are elephants so wrinkled?
Because they take too long to iron!
Did you hear about the ghost comedian? He was booed off stage.
Q: Where does a boat go when it's sick?
A: To the dock!
What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck!
Why did the balloon burst? Because is saw a lolly pop.
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny!
What kind of button won't unbutton? A bellybutton!
What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can’t tunafish.
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer!
What do bulls do when they go shopping? They CHARGE!
What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
What caused the airline to go bankrupt? Runway inflation.
Why is Basketball such a messy sport? Because you dribble on the floor!
What three candies can you find in every school? Nerds, DumDums, and smarties.
What do you call a funny mountain? hill-arious
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him!
What goes up and down but doesn't move? The temperature!
What event do spiders love to attend?
Webbings.
Why doesn't iron form a good bond with other metals?
Because it has rust issues!
Why did the daddy rabbit go to the barber?
He had a lot of little hares.
Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!
What season is it when you are on a trampoline? Spring time.
What kind of berry has a coloring book? A crayon-berry
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
What did the blanket say to the bed? Don't worry, I've got you covered!
What did the beach say to the tide when it came in?
Long time, no sea.
Where do sheep go to get haircuts? To the Baa Baa shop!
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? An offer you can't understand.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.
What do you call a South American girl who is always in a hurry? Urgent Tina
What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.
Did you hear the joke about the germ? Never mind. I don't want to spread it around
Did you hear the joke about the roof?
Never mind, it’s over your head.
What do you call a crushed angle? a rectangle
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time
What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A Yamahahaha
What do you call a window that raps? 2PANEZ
Why do sharks swim in saltwater?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze!
What kind of shoes do private investigators wear?
Sneak-ers.
Q: When does a doctor get mad?
A: When he runs out of patients!
Why is a baseball team similar to a muffin? They both depend on the batter.
Who goes to the bathroom in the middle of a party? A party pooper.
What's taken before you get it? Your picture.
What runs but can't walk? The faucet!