What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
Knock knock.
Come in.
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
Due to the expansive nature of the universe, many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner. Move over, anti-jokes. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you might just be a genius!
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
What leaves a bigger hole in your heart than breaking up with your girlfriend?
A bullet.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.