When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.