Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."