What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!