"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
“It’s a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children."
~ Alan Alda
“Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness and shenanigans.”
— Unknown
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
“Yoga class? I thought you said ‘pour a glass’.” – Unknown
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy beer." ~ Gary Reilly
"Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to go shopping." ~ Bo Derek
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
“This has been such a Monday! I wish I stayed in bed, and I wish that yesterday had never happened.”
– Lisa Mantchev
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
Jimmy Carter
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
“Yoga. Because punching people is frowned upon.” — Anonymous
"When reality and dreams collide, typically it’s just your alarm clock going off.”
— Crystal Woods
"I despise the lottery. There’s less chance of you becoming a millionaire than there is of getting hit by a passing asteroid." ~ Unknown
“People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.” – Ogden Nash
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
“Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.”
Jimmy Fallon
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain
“Winter is nature’s way of saying, ‘Up yours.’”
“The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.”
- Grant Tucker.
"I don't share blame. I don't share credit. And I don't share desserts"
– Beverly Sills
"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi
“The archer will walk up to you, give you a hearty slap on the back and a wide, friendly grin. Then he’ll greet you with a remark like, ‘How the heck do you manage to look so young when you’re as old as you are?'”
— Linda Goodman
"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." - Clement Freud
“Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
“Let’s face it, I only practice yoga because the classes are always packed with beautiful women.” — Adam Levine
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”
Denis Waitley
“Money often costs too much.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
“I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.”
Damien Fahey
"Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway."
― Robert Downey Jr.
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
― Elbert Hubbard
“Never eat more than you can lift.”
Miss Piggy