“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland