“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen
“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.”
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
“It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.”
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
"Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay."
- Milton Friedman
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
"I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money."
- Arthur Godfrey
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."
- Herman Wouk
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
- Will Rogers
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
"It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for."
- Will Rogers
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”
“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
"The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing."
- Jean-Baptiste Colbert
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
"A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it."
- Ann Landers
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray
"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
- Winston Churchill
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter