"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah