My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.