How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
I've decided to stop being a fork and become a spoon.
I just woke up one day and didn't see the point anymore.
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.
Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
Why were the utensils stuck together?
They were spooning.
I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
How do you call clothings for spoons?
Silverwear
They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy.
It was a counter attack.
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
Did you hear about the dangerous alcoholic who consumed his booze from a sizzling Chinese frying pan?
He liked to drink risky on the woks
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
My son asked me where the pan was.
I told him, naturally, it went on a wok.
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
My husband Ronnald asked me what do monkeys wear when cooking.
I said, "an aperon".
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.