Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the a**.
Toilet paper plays an important roll in my life, it would be pretty sh**ty without it.
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
Do people have strange scents of humor if they laugh at their own farts?
Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!
After letting elephant dung dry in the sun, it's nearly indestructible.
In fact, I'd say it's pretty heavy doody.
Why are urinals the worst place to spend time?
Because it’s where all the di**s hang out.
My husband won't let the kids take toys with them when they go potty, but I do.
It is a toy-let, after all.
Was talking to a record producer at the urinals the other day...
Next thing you know I had a number one on my hands.
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
Why shouldn’t you fart on elevators?
It’s wrong on so many levels.
What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
“Urine!”
When you walk into the bathroom...
Urine there.
What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?
A bidet.
Went to the toilet earlier and took a poo...
Not sure whose it was, but it's mine now.
I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now I'm paying for it.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
What do you call someone who acts like a piece of fish poop?
A bassturd.
A man walks into a zoo, there was only one animal in the zoo.
It was a Shitzu.
I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
I feel bad for toilets.
They go through a lot of s**t
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They're always getting ripped off.
I saw a show where all the man did was sit on the toilet.
It was a s**tshow.
What happens if you miss the toilet while trying to take a pee?
Urine trouble.
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
Why did the baker go to the toilet?
Because he kneaded a poo.
What kind of doctor checks ghost poo?
A ghost-roenterologist.
All farts...are laughing gas.
Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite...
But they’re a solid number 2.
Campground bathrooms are always behind the times.
They're all past tents.
Dung Beetles know how to keep their sh** together.
I designed a new toilet but cannot find anyone to test it out.
No one gives a crap.
As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush ...
Safe to say I have pipe dreams!
Two flies were sitting on a urinal. Everything was going well between them, until one got pissed.
Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.
I always take a dump at 11:59 PM. That way, when the clock strikes midnight it’s the same sh**, different day.
I just installed a brand new Luxe bidet!
I’ve been having a blast.
What do you call a toilet perched on top of an active volcano?
The lavatory.