"Work out in the morning, before your brain figures out what you’re doing."
– Unknown
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“Don’t wear perfume in the garden – unless you want to be pollinated by bees.”
— Anne Raver
"Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television."
Victoria Wood
"Parents don’t really go on holidays. They just look after their kids in a different country for a while."
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says. He is always convinced that it says what he means. -- George Bernard Shaw
"Teaching kids to count is fine, but teaching them what counts is best."
— Bob Talbert
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
I don’t think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
Frank Carson
"An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh."
— Will Rogers
“When I was young, I loved summer and hated winter. When I got older I loved winter and hated summer. Now that I’m even older, and wiser, I hate both summer and winter.” — Jarod Kintz
“In spring we are on Earth; in summer we are on Earth; in autumn we are on Earth, but in winter we are in another planet; winter is another planet!” — Mehmet Murat ildan
“Thanksgiving is a lot like Christmas, except you don’t get any presents for holding in your familial rage.” -Unknown
“Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead.”
— James Marsden
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." —Redd Foxx
“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”
Will Rogers
“Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success.“
— Oscar Wilde
Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broken, but you can still see the crack in that bastard's reflection.
Lady Gaga
“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”
George Burns
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
"I can't wait to start blaming my normal lack of productivity on it being summer"
“The mud will wash off but the memories will last a lifetime.”
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
"Everybody makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when no one is looking."
~ Anonymous
“Yes, I deserve a spring – I owe nobody nothing."
– Virginia Woolf
"Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. Do you know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets." ~ Jerry Seinfeld
"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space." - Evan Esar
"Imagine being on a plane and NOT eating every item presented to you as if you will never again have ready access to food in your life."
- Jia Tolentino
“I do an hour’s yoga and go running everyday. Then I see a picture of myself and I still look like a skinny, pot bellied idiot — and I thought I had turned into this superhunk!” — Chris Martin
“Namastay 6 feet away.” – Unknown
“I believe in hard work. But, it will take some time to make this believe into a real thing!"
~ Anonymous
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
“Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”
— Unknown
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller
“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”—Ogden Nash
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”
George Carlin
People who want to share their religious views with you, almost never want you to share yours with them. -- Dave Barry
“I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor.” - Francois Rebelais
“Road trips required a couple of things: a well-balanced diet of caffeine, salt, and sugar and an excellent selection of tunes—oh, and directions.”
– Jenn McKinlay
“I bought a new jacket for a hiking trip. It’s called a trail blazer.”
“We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.”
— Unknown