There once was a girl from Dubai,
who desperately wanted to fly.
But whenever she flapped,
that girl got so chapped,
that poor littl girl from Dubai.
There once was a poet named Bates
Whose limericks were never that great
His first lines weren't bad
But the problem he had
Was he always tried to fit way too many syllables in at the end.
"Dear Brother of Mine"
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine,
You're just a year older,
which is perfectly fine.
There's no reason,
to worry nor stress.
Just relax,
and go play some chess.
I'm not saying,
your birthday should be boring.
You wouldn't want,
your guests to start snoring.
But keep in mind,
this day is all yours.
So forget about,
doing those chores.
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine.
Enjoy your birthday,
the next one is mine.
What’s red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator.
There once was a girl called Jane,
who thought she had a really big brain.
She thought she was cool,
standing in a puddle of drool,
but really she was just insane.
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are… but I laugh more.
A teacher sees a knife in Jimmy's backpack
"Don't worry sir, it's only a kitchen knife."
"And that?"
"Kitchen gun."
It’s so cold our hats have turned into ice caps.
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? Her IQ goes up!
Why did the turkey cross the road before Thanksgiving?
He was trying to give people the impression that he was a chicken.
Why did the chicken run across the road?
To get to the other side faster.
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.
"Tom Tigercat"
Tom Tigercat is noted
for his manners and his wit.
He wouldn’t think of lion,
No, he doesn’t cheetah bit.
Tom never pretended
to be something that he’s not.
I guess that’s why we like him
and why he likes ocelot.
– J. Patrick Lewis
What is a newborn mothers favorite song? Silent night!
What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
"To be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question."
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
It’s so cold cops are tasering themselves.
I wish you something, just can’t remember,
Don’t be upset, you’re my family member.
It was clearly, on my mind,
With so many thoughts, it’s hard to find.
Visions appear of colorful balloons,
In the background I hear those fine tunes.
Near the end of the dream, I can taste a delicious cake,
It must be your birthday, as I awake.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, lets run upstairs and make love,"
and you answer, "I can't do both."
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
Haikus confuse me
Too often they make no sense
hand me the pliers.
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
My funny guy, when I look at you,
Making faces, as you do,
To make me giggle, and keep me happy,
When I’m feeling down or sad or cr****,
I see someone who’s man enough
To just be silly, instead of tough
To give me gladness, bliss and joy,
That’s my man; that’s my big boy.
Happy birthday to the man
Who makes me laugh, because he can.
A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic.
A chicken walks up to him and says, "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
What should the real name for a colonoscopy be?
A colonoscopoo.
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
How did the egg cross the road?
It scrambled across!
Naming a bridge after Chuck Norris is a really bad idea
Because no one crosses Chuck Norris.
Which bug always crosses the road?
A beetle.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
At first I thought my therapy for Stockholm syndrome was bad for me.
But now I kind of like it.
Thanksgiving is my favorite feast.
The table's set, the napkins creased.
We always have a great big crowd
With uncles, aunts and children loud.
The grownups shoo us to our chairs
With pushing hands and parent stares.
We wait to eat -- but this part's quirky.
Our main dish is never, ever turkey!
Our grandpa will not eat this bird.
On this he gave his solemn word.
Years ago when he was young,
He vowed it not to pass his tongue.
As a boy, he lived beside
The rolling Polish countryside.
The turkeys (this is so unkind)
Would chase and bite his small behind.
So even though it's quite the norm,
He shuns the bird in every form.
I understand how grandpa feels
And how it's changed his life-long meals.
But me, I'd rather take attack.
Once a year, I'd bite them back!
- Denise Rodgers
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
I hate being ugly everyday.
Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
How can you tell a blonde has used your computer? There is white out on the screen.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Damn.
Let me kiss you.
(Unknown)
The doctor told me I had to start walking three miles a day to get fit
It's been two weeks and I don't know how to get home.
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
Point me to the nearest bar.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."