A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
You know what they say? Words.
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.