A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally