Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.