What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
What has a neck but no head?
A bass.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.
What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.
What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.
Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!
What song do tornados like?
“The Twist.”
How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.
Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
What’s a pirate’s favorite instrument?
The guit-arrr!
What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Britney Spears.
- Britney Spears who?
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Oops! I did it again!
Accordion to one study, people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument, but I don’t believe that tuba true.
What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!
What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!
A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.
I have a musician friend who is always upbeat. When she developed ringing in one ear, I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician. She shook her head. “Not really,” she replied cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”
What do you get when you play country music backward?
You get your wife back, your dog back, and your job back.
What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.
What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!
Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.
Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.
The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The
Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.
What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”
I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.
How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.
Want to hear the joke about a staccato?
Never mind — it’s too short.
What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.
My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.
What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.
Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.
What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.
What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.
What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.
What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.
What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.