How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!