Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”
A father was buying bass lessons for his son.
After the 1st week, the father asked him what he had learned. The son said, "On my 1st lesson, we learned about the E string."
The 2nd week came, and after the lesson, the father asked what had he learned that week. The son said, "On my 2nd lesson, I learned about the A string."
When the 3rd week came by, the father said to his son, "You know these are expensive lessons. What have you learned this week?"
The son said, "I quit the lessons. I already got a gig."
- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!
What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
I have a musician friend who is always upbeat. When she developed ringing in one ear, I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician. She shook her head. “Not really,” she replied cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”
My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote too many Linkin Park songs.
But "in the end, it doesn't even matter".
What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.
How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.
What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.
Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.
Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.
What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.
Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.
What do you get when you play country music backward?
You get your wife back, your dog back, and your job back.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.
Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.
Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”
What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.
What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.
What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.
What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!
Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.
What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.
Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!
How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.
Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Britney Spears.
- Britney Spears who?
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Oops! I did it again!
What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.
Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.
What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”
What’s Giuseppe Verdi’s favorite way to get around the airport?
La Travelator.
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.
My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.
What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
What’s the difference between a conductor and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.
What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.
How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
Someone keyed the music teacher’s car.
Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor.
What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.