A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"