"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
“It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.”
"There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him."
- Robert A. Heinlein
“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
"You don't pay taxes ― they take taxes."
― Chris Rock
"It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for."
- Will Rogers
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
- Will Rogers
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."
- Herman Wouk
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray
"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has."
- Will Rogers
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
"The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing."
- Jean-Baptiste Colbert
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
"America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation."
- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
- Mark Twain
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
"A person doesn't know how much he has to be thankful for until he has to pay taxes on it."
- Ann Landers
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer