“I don’t know what’s tighter: our jeans or our friendship.”
— Unknown
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.”
— Arnold H. Glasgow
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.”
— Sicilian Proverb
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Steven Wright
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
"Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time."
– Sadhguru
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln
"Popcorn for breakfast! Why not? It’s a grain. It’s like, like, grits, but with high self-esteem."
– James Patterson
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back"- Franklin P. Jones
All my friends complaint about not feeling good, and are freaking out about their lives, and I’m just like, “There’s Yoga pose for that!” — Unknown
“Medidation, because some questions can’t be answered by Google.” — Inner Balance Wear
“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
“If you know how many cupcakes I’m holding behind my back I’ll give you both of them.”
― Unknown
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
“Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.”
― Truman Capote
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
"Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!" - Dave Barry"
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry"
– Maria Bamford
"If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them and half as much money."
– Abigail Van Buren
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
Les Dawson
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
“Half the modern could drugs well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them.”
Unknown
“Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success.“
— Oscar Wilde
“When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.”
“Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil—and you’ll never get a job working for a tabloid.” – Phil Pastoreta consultant.” – Scott Adams
“Winter blues are cured every time with a potato gratin paired with a roast chicken.”
– Alexandra Guarnaschelli
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane." - Philip K. Dick
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."
Erma Bombeck
On the other hand, the Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park. -- Curtis McDougall
"The only b.s I need is bikini and sandals"
"Life is short. Running makes it seem longer."
Baron Hansen
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
"The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise."
Anonymous
"I give myself sometimes admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it."
― Mary Wortley Montagu