What’s a gardener’s favorite Beatles song? Lettuce Be.
Yet again, someone has added more soil to my allotment. The plot thickens…
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden.
Have you botany plants lately?
I got a job working in a hayfield. After one day I bailed.
A woman asks her neighbor, "Can I borrow your lawnmower?"
Her neighbor says, "No, he's not home yet"
A magic tractor drove down the road and turned into a field!
That’s a bit mulch.
Do you need some encourage-mint?
What rock would you find inside a garden shed?
Shedimentary.
What’s a gardener’s favorite type of trousers? Ones with turnips.
In the eyes of the lawn.
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
One trick peony.
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
Long thyme no see.
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring.
I beg your garden?
Your good weed for the day.
I was offered a job as a gardener, but I didn’t take it because the celery was too low.
Scarecrows always garden their patch.
I got into a fight with a snail. It was a real slug-fest.
What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
What kind of socks does a gardener wear?
Garden hose!
Sherlock Holmes was doing some gardening, Watson asked what he was planting. He replied “A lemon tree, my dear Watson”.
I beg your garden?
All things must grass.
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
My neighbor asked me if he could borrow my lawnmower. It told him he could; if he did not take it out of my yard.
Why didn’t anyone laugh at the gardener’s jokes?
Because they were too corny!
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.
I’m rooting for you!
What do you call an everyday potato? A commen-tater.
Let’s take a leaf of faith.
Gardening question: Does anyone know a good place where I can buy a fern? Asking for a frond.
Let me plant one on ya!
What did the gardeners say when he discovered nasty weeds in his garden?
I have spotted spurge!
What kind of garden flowers grow in outer space?
Moonflowers, Sunflowers, Star Clusters, and Cosmos.
Your good seed for the day.
Any self-respecting rock will break at least one shovel before accepting its new home.
My local garden center is doing buy one, get one free on manure. Don’t sniff at this offer.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the corn has ears.
I’m kind of a big dill.
Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?
I wasn’t all that interested in gardening, but I planted a few seeds, and it grew on me.
It’s party thyme.
She didn’t date the gardener. He was too rough around the hedges.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.