Did you hear about the viking cannibal?
He had a Swede-tooth.
Why did the king order his new castle be built in the evening?
For the night knights!
Of course Napolean did not design the coat that he was wearing but we all knew that he had his hand on it.
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
Don't ever change a light bulb while the oven is on
You'll get burned out
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
Did you hear about the scary couple in prom this year? It was a mummy and his ghoul-friend.
I love Physics, but I'm terrible at Math.
I hope in doesn't Matter.
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
Q: Why did the mummy walk out of his tomb after 1000 years?
A: He figured he was old enough to leave home
Where in the World Can You Find the Highest Concentration of Engineers?
Antarctica! Because that's where all the P. Enguins are!
Watson: Holmes, What kind of rock is this?
Holmes: Sedimentary, my dear Watson.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
Why is the air conditioner repairman the life of the party?
It’s not cool until he arrives.
What do you call a knight who just wants to fight with an opponent on level grounds? He is called Sir Face!
What do you call a group of penniless Viking grave diggers?
The poor norsemen of the necropolis.
I've been trying to think of an electrical pun but now my head Hertz.
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?
It was three feet deep on average.
Where do light bulbs go shopping?
The outlet stores.
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
Why was the Egyptian kid confused?
His daddy was his mummy!
I killed all the knights in the Iron Keep, except one,
He was Allone
Why was the viking boxer loved so much
He ragna"rocked" the house
Q: Why was young Tutankhamun home from school?
A: He caught a gold.
When the love of his life finally left him, young Fidel cried out in despair, "I didn't think you would embar go my dear one."
I would say that life for the majority of people in the middle ages was rather peasant.
What do you call a happy aviator?
A gladiator
What do you call an angle that is adorable?
Acute angle.
When the Frenchman asked for a book on warfare on Battle of Waterloo from his librarian, she said, "You're just going to lose it."
For several days each month, some friends and I get together, play instruments and sing in a medieval style.
I guess you could call it my minstrel period.
It was quite dangerous for messengers back in the medieval era.
They often had to wear mail armor.
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
How did Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
Two antennas got married – the wedding was lousy, but the reception was outstanding.
Working on lab science animals is a real rat race.
When the medieval sorcerer summoned a servant from the magical book, the Queen was astounded. This was a page right out of the book.
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
Before America was founded, the idea of a democratic nation in the New World was unPresidented.
Once, a wizard had cursed a knight and turned him into a bird. To express his sorrow, he sang throughout the entire day because he had become a knightingle.
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy? A power play.”
What to give your favorite electrical engineer for his birthday?
Shorts.
How do you know the moon is going broke?
It's down to its last quarter.
My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay.
I got full marx.