Silent Violin for Sale
No strings attached.
What do you call a boy and girl playing blues music? The battle of the saxes.
I recently met a musical group of pirates.
They called themselves A-Band-On-Ship.
I taught a dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground.
We went from Barking to Tooting in 20 minutes!
We caught the drummer of our band masturbating over his drum kit...
I guess the pervert thinks of them as s*x cymbals.
How are pirates like trumpets?
They murder the high C’s!
I tried to play a bass guitar once.
It didn't make much sound, and it slipped out of my hands and swam away.
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
What's worse than a SPIDER on your PIANO?
CRAB on your ORGAN.
Where did the music teacher leave her keys?
In the piano.
Our church band is just two ladies on percussion...
It’s quite the CoNunDrum
Did you hear about the broadcasters in the aeroplane?
They're on air now
What do you call a gingerbread man with one leg bitten off?
Limp Bizkit.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
Egyptians claimed to have invented the guitar,
But they were such lyres.
What do you call a low-quality Russian composer, pianist, and conductor of the late Romantic period?
Knockmaninoff.
How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can’t get up that high.
Why did the Turkey want to join a band?
Because it had drumsticks!
What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
Why can't a Platypus be trusted on the radio?
Because they all have fowl mouths.
What was the pianist doing at the mall?
Chopin.
How many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Nobody knows because no-one ever watches the conductor.
What is the musical part of a snake?
The scales.
Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
To get away from the noise.
I used to be the triangle player in a Jamaican band but I had to quit....
It was always just one ting after another.
Why did the guitarist get fired as a carpenter?
He was shredding the floor.
A piano player got arrested at a wedding...
He was trying to root the relatives.
Why did the burglars decide to rob a music store?
For the lute.
What did the phone say to the radio when they met for a date?
This is AUXhilarating
Someone once asked if I ever played the violin
I told him that I had fiddled with it.
What is Jehovah's witness' favorite band? The Doors.
What's an owl's favorite rock band?
The Who
What is a pianist’s favorite cheese ?
Mozzartrella.
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
What do you call a police officer who plays the drums?
A beat cop.
What does Eric Clapton and a cup of coffee have in common? They both suck without Cream.
Did you hear the Islamic music group who covered "I've Got You Babe?"
Sunni and Shia.
Which genre of music appeals to most cheeses? R'n'Brie
My friend told me all about his friend's girlfriend who was playing saxophone.
Apparently she was a saxy lady.
What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.
Why was the square dance fiddler arrested for smuggling?
Because of his contra band...
What do you do to a female news anchor who breaks a leg?
You put her in a broadcast.
"learn to play piano by ear!"
"Thanks, I'd rather use my fingers."
What did Prince leave on the neck of his guitar?
Finger prince.
What do you call the worlds smallest violin?
Hard to play.
One of my ancestors was once hired by Henry VIII to teach his son to play the trumpet
He was a Tudor tooter tutor.
Follow Beethoven's example. People said he was never going to be a musician because he was deaf. Did he listen to them? Of course not.
What do you call it when you spill your drink all over a piano?
Rag time.
Remember the band that did that rock cover of “walk like an Egyptian’ by The Bangles?
Pharaohsmith.