I made a fiddle from a squash yesterday...
... i think it's broken, it only plays gourd vibrations.
Our church band is just two ladies on percussion...
It’s quite the CoNunDrum
Have you guys heard of the musical group called Cellophane?
They mostly wrap.
What’s an avocado’s favorite music?
Guac ‘n’ roll.
What do you call a group of orcas that play music?
An iPod.
Asked a pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?"
I bought an old stereo.
My wife has her doubts, but I think it's a sound investment.
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
What chord does jesus play on guitar?
Gsus
Shopping at the music store, my friend had to settle for a fiver saxophone ...
They couldn't afford a tenor.
What do you do to a female news anchor who breaks a leg?
You put her in a broadcast.
Why aren't high school twins afraid of getting mono?
Because they get stereo instead!
A woman is on trial for beating her significant other with a guitar. “First offender?” the judge asked.
“No” she replied. “First a Gibson , then a Fender”.
My neighbors are listening to great music.
Whether they like it or not.
What happened when the guitars got in a fight?
They got in treble.
I asked my musician friend if he plays by ear.
He said, "Yes, it's a violin. That is how you hold it."
What do you call a berry that plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity!
Hear about the saxophone player who switched from a tenor to a soprano saxophone in the middle of the concert?
The press made quite a big deal out of his sax change.
The fisherman was playing his out-of-tune guitar.
Luckily he caught a Tuna
There was a fish who wanted to be a broadcaster...
Until he went on air.
What happened when the drummer re-recorded his drum solo?
There were repercussions.
My uncle was crushed by a piano...
His funeral was very low key.
Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
To get away from the noise.
What kind of music are balloons afraid of? Pop Music.
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”.
We’re a cover band.
I listenend to the football game on the radio. It was being broadcast on a catholic satellite radio station.
So I tirned to my dad and said, "That's weird. Football isn't even that religious of a sport!"
My dad replied, "Nope. Lacrosse is!"
When I play my violin it always sounds like it's crying
It's must be too highly strung
What musical group do men join once they get married?
The Hus Band!
I heard Placebo on the radio. I actually thought it was The Cure.
All my neighbours bought the same set of stereos...
When will they stop stereotyping?
My friend told me all about his friend's girlfriend who was playing saxophone.
Apparently she was a saxy lady.
What’s the difference between a musician and a 14-inch pizza?
A 14-inch pizza can feed a family of four.
How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.
Egyptians claimed to have invented the guitar,
But they were such lyres.
Why did the guitarist get fired as a carpenter?
He was shredding the floor.
What do you call someone that plays Tenor and Alto saxophone?
Bisaxual.
Why do blues musicians tour the most in the summer? So they can visit all their kids.
I've removed all the black keys from my piano
Hopefully I'll C Major improvement!
Why can't redheads be in blues or jazz bands?
They got no soul.
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park. But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
Silent Violin for Sale
No strings attached.
We caught the drummer of our band masturbating over his drum kit...
I guess the pervert thinks of them as s*x cymbals.
What did the violin say when it finally played the music correctly?
Viola.
What should you do if you can't afford a fancy trumpet?
Buy a frugelhorn
What's a bipolar person's favorite type of music? Swing.
A piano player got arrested at a wedding...
He was trying to root the relatives.
Drums - You can't beat 'em. Well, you have to, really.
I always put my money in drums
Because it’s a sound investment.
How many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Nobody knows because no-one ever watches the conductor.