He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.