I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
I left my job at the Chinese restaurant and took my favourite frying pan, until I heard the owner yell...
"Don’t wok away from me!"
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.
Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.
A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
Why did the female chef win the cook-off?
Because cheese grater!
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
What did the cook say after making stir fry at a playground?
"It was a wok in the park."
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
My husband Ronnald asked me what do monkeys wear when cooking.
I said, "an aperon".
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
Why were the utensils stuck together?
They were spooning.
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.