The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation