Son: Dad, did you know they used to carve turnips on Halloween?
Dad: They must have been out of their gourds.
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
What does a placebo say on Halloween?
“Trick or Treatment!”
What do you say when you're having dinner with a skeleton? Bone appetit!
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
We’ve all heard of the mushroom who gets invited to the party cause he’s a fungi, but what about the mushroom who stole all the halloween candy?
He had no morrels.
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
Saw Humpty Dumpty shopping for Halloween supplies.
He's going to have a great fall.
Are any of the Halloween Monsters good at math?
Only if you Count Dracula.
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
I'm going to need to exorcise a lot after all this Halloween candy.
What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash.
What is Halloween's favorite medicine?
Any brand of coffin cold.
My new Halloween cookies are bringing everyone back for more!
I call them boo merginues.
Ghosts make the best cheerleaders. They have lots of spirit!
I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.
What do mummies like listening to on Halloween? Wrap music!
For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"
What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us
For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
My dad has been making Halloween related puns all morning
He's now asking that I call him the Halloween Pun King.
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!
Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern this Halloween — share your candy!
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!
Why do skeleton's make such good comedians? They have so many funny bones.
Did you get to meet the tallest vampire in the world? People call him Count Everest.
My aunt showed up to our Halloween party wearing ranch bottle costume. She was an hour late.
Her response: Sorry, I was getting dressed.
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin. I told him I'd gourd it with my life!
Orange you excited for Halloween?
Why was the Jack-o-Lantern sad on Halloween?
Because he felt empty inside.
Enjoy goblin up all your Halloween candy — just don't let it go to waist!
No matter what costumes they wear, when the Halloween candy comes out, everyone is a goblin!
I went to a Halloween party wearing a pie shell and carrying a shepherds crook.
"What on earth are you supposed to be?" "I'm a spy" "A spy?. What kinda of spy wears a pie costume and carries a crook?"
A shepherds spy.
When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day
Halloween candy is yummy and all, but don't forget to save room for 'I scream.'
The record store owner needed to get the albums by a Canadian band with Neil Pert on drums out on sale before Halloween...
So he put in a Rush order!
What do you call Jack-O-Lantern cousins who lift weights together?
Pump Kins
I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
My Haloween costume would have been perfect if my hair agreed with me. Guess I’m just having a bad scare day.
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
Who did Dracula take to the school dance? His ghoul friend.
This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
Did you guys hear about the airplane that dressed up for Halloween?
It was in disguise.
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."
What's the best part about the end of Halloween?
Putting the skeletons back in the closet!
How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!
I dressed up as a jousting lance for Halloween, but nobody got it.
I thought it was pretty straight forward.