I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
As soon as you find someone who has bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they're a keeper!
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.