Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.