Does a green candle burn longer than a pink candle? No they both burn shorter.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
Behind every great parent is a great kid. Happy birthday!
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles? No cake for me…I’m stuffed
You’re not 50 years old, you are 20 years old with 30 years of experience!
What did the boy without hands get for his birthday?
Nobody knows, he hasn't got the package open yet.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
You know you’re getting old when…there is nothing left to learn the hard way.
You know you are getting older when the candles don’t fit on the cake.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
What type of music is scary for birthday balloons? Pop music!
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
Be careful, too many birthdays can kill you!
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
They say everything gets better with age.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
This whole birthday thing is getting old, don’t you think?
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
I know birthdays get worse as you get older. But look at the bright side — not too many left now.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
What goes up but never comes down? Your age!
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
You did a grape job raisin me. Happy birthday!
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
Birthday candles don’t exercise because they burn out too quickly!
Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. Forget about
the present, I didn’t get you one.
You feta have a gouda birthday.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
Being related to me is the best birthday gift you could receive.
How do pickles celebrate their birthdays? They relish them.
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
Hey shawty, it’s sherbert day.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
I hope the only things that blow are candles and balloons. Have a great birthday!