Any self-respecting rock will break at least one shovel before accepting its new home.
Winter does not arrive until the ice is in the compost heap. Spring does not arrive until the ice is out of the compost.
Many gardeners suffer from hay fever. Isn’t that news a pollen?
I got into a fight with a snail. It was a real slug-fest.
All clover the world.
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.
I started an insurance company for flower and gardening businesses...
It's called "oopsie daisies."
I want to start gardening, but I haven’t botany plants.
Have you botany plants lately?
Your good seed for the day.
Do you know what really bugs me? Insect puns.
Do you need some encourage-mint?
What do you call an everyday potato? A commen-tater.
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden.
My local garden center is doing buy one, get one free on manure. Don’t sniff at this offer.
Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.
What’s the name of the gardener’s favorite show? Lawn and order.
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
Don’t moss around.
What kind of flowers bloom on your face? Tulips!
What do you call it when worms eat all of the plants and take over the world?
Global Worming.
Scarecrows always garden their patch.
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
One bonsai tree grower was so successful he moved into a miniature house.
What is it called when a gardener covertly listens to foliage falling in the fall?
Leaves-dropping.
Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?
I started dating the girl across the street. Honestly, lawn-distance relationships aren’t that hard.
Did you hear the gardener's joke about the old oak tree?
It's acorny one!
One more thyme.
The farmer had such a bad headache he had to retire. He was sick of his grains.
My leaf blower doesn’t work. It just sucks!
Why did the gardener need a cork?
Because his garden sprung a leek!
You’re unbeleafable.
Did you hear about the squirrel diet? It’s nuts!
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the corn has ears.
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
One trick peony.
In the eyes of the lawn.
What do you get if you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
A rash of good luck.
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
Cleaning my cold frame is a pane in the glass.
What is the wise gardener's mantra?
Weed 'Em and Reap!
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
Eat, drink and be rosemary.
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.
Why didn’t anyone laugh at the gardener’s jokes?
Because they were too corny!
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.
Garden centers are attempting to stem a fall in the sale of fresh flowers.