How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his food before it was cool.
Why did the kid put the dinky car in his ear?
Because he wanted to give it a wax job.
Why do Pencils shave?
To look sharp.
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
I've got 4 eyes, 3 legs, 1 tail, and 12 toes. What am I?
A liar.
Called in sick to work one day complaining about my eyes.
When they asked what's wrong I said:
“I just can’t see myself coming in to work today.”
My mate had an accident and lost his ear. The doctors were able to graft on a new one made of pig skin.
His hearing is now quite fine, but every now and then he gets some crackling.
A nose visited its home town.
It was overcome with nostril-gia.
What has ears but cannot hear?
A field of corn.
Why are super loud sounds bad for your ears?
It hertz your eardrums.
My son elbowed me in the mouth during a tickle fight
But that's ok. It was acci-dental.
How do you beat a robot in a fist fight
Socket in the jaw.
What comes out of your nose at 200 mph?
Lambogreeny.
George Michael once damaged his ears while cleaning them...
Careless Swissper.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
Coworker: Hey, I reallly like your hair! What's your secret?
Me: Thank-you! I don't get very many complements on it. Most people are gel-ous.
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
My daughter asked me if I could put her hair in a bun. I said...
“I could but I think the baker might object”.
My mother-in-law never taught my wife to shave her legs without getting cut.
She didn’t razor right.
What do you call a man with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows
To all the people that don't cover their mouths then they cough.
You make me sick.
A guy was storing all the facial hair since he was young and had created a huge pile.
When his wife told him to get rid of it, he said "no, it's a must stash".
I told the doctor I was deaf in my left ear he said 'are you sure?'
Then I said 'I'm definite."
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I don’t think she’ll be able to pull it off.
I got sick when I lost one of my ear buds.
It was mono.
Someone stole my wig!
That was a bald move.
My eye doctor’s office is at the shopping mall.
She’s an Opthemallogist.
What type of hairstyle is popular with polar bears?
Frosted tips.
When my great-grandad went bald, he built a machine to weave himself a wig out of yarn. He then gave it to my grandad, who then gave it to my dad - and one day, it will be mine.
It’s our family hair loom.
What do you call James Bond with no beard ?
Agent Zero Zero Shaven.
Daughter: I think I'm going to put my hair in a bun tomorrow.
Dad: We're all out. You'll have to use bread.
his morning my son said his ear hurt and I asked : on the inside or outside?
So he walks out the front door, comes back in and says "Both."
A bald man walks into the Hair Club. “I’d like to buy a hair piece if the price is right.”
Hair Club Salesperson: “Well sir, how much do you want toupee?”
Why don’t orcas have hair?
They have whale pattern baldness.
Why did dad shave his daughters barbie?
She wanted 100 doll hairs.
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
Several years ago, I lost all my hair. Yes, I'm bald. But, I still keep my comb. I bring it with me everywhere still.
I just can't part with it.
Not everyone looks good with a wig
But I think you could really pull it off.
My wife, whilst trying to brush my son's hair, told him he was having a bad hair day.
My son replied, "Oh, is it being knotty?"
my nose starts bleeding at eleven every night
but I’ve seen stranger things.
What does a funeral home hair stylist handle on a daily basis?
A brush with death
How does a hairdresser stop themselves from cutting their own hair?
By sheer will.
What did the wig say to the head?
I got you covered.
Huge explosion at the hair brush factory...
Investigators are still combing through the wreckage.
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal sized clippers?
Shear size.
What do you call somebody who's addicted to trimming hair?
A clipptomaniac!
Rich people are born with a silver spoon in their mouth.
But polite french people are born with a s'il vous plaît.
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
"IT’S A LIEEEEE!!"
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.
The look on his face was priceless.