Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
What did the energy company’s CEO credit her success to?
A series of strategic power moves.
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
TV repair during lockdown has been pretty easy.
It’s mostly remote work.
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked.”
Laundry puns?
I got loads of them.
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
Who's the most popular kitchen appliance?
The freezer, he's really cool
What football team do energy providers root for the most?
The Chargers.
What was the light bulb’s occupation?
He was a conductor
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy? A power play.”
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
Why are the electricians always up to date? Because they are ‘current specialists.
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity? It’s natural.”
What would you call a power failure? A current event.
My wife said to me that the spark between us had gone. So, I tasered her, and I’ll ask her again when she wakes up.”
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, Get out! We don’t serve your kind here.
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp.
I'm not sure I'll be able look at him in the same light ever again
Why couldn't I fry wood on the stove?
I used a non-stick pan.
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
Why did the electricity documentary get such mixed reviews?
People weren’t sure how to feel after it’s shocking ending.
I really have to force myself to get through this book on friction.
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
Had to replace all the bulbs in the side table lamps. Then I had to replace the ones in my ceiling fan.
That was the highlight of my day.
What did the lamp say to the flickering candle?
"Do you want to go out sometime soon?"
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"