My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
Found out I washed some of my son's nerf darts in his laundry...
Should make for some good clean shots.
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.