Was talking to a record producer at the urinals the other day...
Next thing you know I had a number one on my hands.
A zoo employee was injured when a monkey threw flaming poo at him.
He suffered from turd debris burns.
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
Never fart in an apple store
They don't have windows.
Only a**holes use bidets.
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
In a recent study, NASA scientists confirmed that Uranus smells like farts.
"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
What type of poo smells good?
Shampoo.
What did the flirty napking say to the dinner guests?
"Let me sit on your lap"
I feel bad for toilets.
They go through a lot of s**t
Where do cow farts come from?
The dairy air.
People who pretends to never go taking a dump are full of sh**.
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
I always take a dump at 11:59 PM. That way, when the clock strikes midnight it’s the same sh**, different day.
Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the a**.
As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush ...
Safe to say I have pipe dreams!
I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now I'm paying for it.
If you’re Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are you while you are in?
European.
I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
I always hate having to unblock the toilet.
I’m never quite ready to take the plunge.
Every time I flush the toilet...
Sh** goes down
Toilet paper plays an important roll in my life, it would be pretty sh**ty without it.
After letting elephant dung dry in the sun, it's nearly indestructible.
In fact, I'd say it's pretty heavy doody.
Guess what I got my toilet for its birthday?
A Urinal cake.
What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?
A bidet.
Walked into a restroom and saw an "Out of order" sign on a urinal.
It's going to be tough to move all these urinals to get them back in the right order....
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus.
This s***ty toilet broke down again!
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
What do you call someone who acts like a piece of fish poop?
A bassturd.
Have you ever heard of the book "They Yellow River"?
It was written by I.P. Daily.
I tried to make a poo but could only squeeze out a p**.
I must be missing some bowels.
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
Heard a joke about urinals, but it didn't make me laugh.
I guess you had to pee there.
When is it okay to wash your shoes in the toilet?
When there's a bidet. People use them to wash their booties.
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.
When you walk into the bathroom...
Urine there.
When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
What do you call coffee made from poo?
Crappuccino.
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
Which letters stand in line to the public restroom?
What do you call a bathroom line?
A P,Q.
What do you call a man who lives in a bathroom?
Lou.
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"